My roommate's night out and her exhibiting the beginnings of a cold were the perfect storm that woke me abruptly at 3:30 AM. Luckily, it's been one of those mornings where my brain took off for morning before the light could catch up, anyhow. So, forgive me for any overly sentimental or lyrical words. There's some irrational sense of protection that comes with darkness that makes a person a bit more sensitive.
I love Brooklyn at this time. It's sleepy in a way that the city never was. And the people up before the sun are a different breed, emitting energy that I'm pretty sure must power the sun.
And I love this time of year. My body feels a very visceral change from Summer to Fall, an ease as my limbs relax into cozy fabrics and my morning coffee is hot and perfect. I like being warmed from the inside out, rather than Summer's tendency for the other way around.
I've long tried to explain my love of Fall. It could be said that it's because I was born then (I turned an impossible 31 last week). But it goes far beyond that, I think. Fall is an in-between. An odd mash up of boots and bare arms. A bridge that links two extremes, finding some comfortable balance between the two. Call me trite and all-too-literally a Libra, but I like the balance -- that somewhere in between.
I think that's why I don't miss my 20s and am settling into my 30s quite nicely. I used to feel like I was waiting for my life to start, but now I know: this is it. No light at the end of the tunnel, the whole damn thing's illuminated. And while I still think it's completely bizarre, this whole getting older thing, I respect the changes, and I'm grateful that I see aging as a sort of experiment.
A while ago, I was on a date and in the middle of my talking about something, The Charmer looked at me like I was a science fair project. In a condescending tone, as if I was using the wrong words, he said, "You seem to think a lot of things are 'interesting' and 'amazing.'" He formed his mouth around the letters like they tasted bad... My response came after a moment of silence and thought. I sifted through my rolodex of vocab words, wondering if he was right, but soon answered, "Yup. I do... And, I won't apologize."
That said, while I am in awe and do feel more balanced, the older I get the more risky the decisions I have to make. "Failure" has a harsher connotation. I've never been one to throw caution to the wind, but I am a firm believer in calculated risks and vast leaps of faith. Being the co-founder of a newly launched startup is a jump that's proving fairly hard to get my feet off the ground (and I mean that in many senses). It's not for lack of trying, or passion, or motivation. But starting a business is difficult. However, I do believe in our passion-powered ability. And we've got some awesome things happening. So while it's at a speed that requires patience, I do trust that we'll keep making progress.
And then there's my creative life. As an actor that's currently on hiatus, I'm feeling the need to perform maybe more than ever before. The fire in my chest when I think about jumping into a script is so hot that I swear you could feel it if you put your hand to my heart. And while I do continue to audition a fair amount for commercial gigs, I have to trust that I will get back to the Art of it sometime very soon. And, in the meantime, I pour my creative self into projects at hand.
Then... there's my personal situation. A person I previously solidified as a fairly intense memory came back to my material present. Allowing all of the previous stuff that I buried over a year ago to surface and re-appear raw is not easy. Trusting and letting go, while knowing all too well the consequences that could come, takes a lot. But with the release of my ego, I choose not to dwell in the past. And I've made the adult decision that I'd way rather risk the possibility of an unfavorable future than miss the reward of right now.
...So while I don't throw caution to that ever present wind, there is a certain amount of sway. After all, the ubiquitous "they" always say that the leaps you don't take are the ones that hurt the most.
So I'm just staying open. Trusting in transitions. Not glued to any one outcome. And, whether I'm ready or not, looks like life is headed this way -- my best friend just moved out of NYC. I'm getting texts with pictures of positive pregnancy sticks (and we're happy about it). Friends' parents are passing away. People ask to see my neck when they find out how old I am. And I'm finding it harder and harder to dress myself fashionably... It comes...
And the truth is, I'm kinda scared shitless. But worry never changed an outcome. And while fear is a main character in life (as is failure), it informed the plot much more when I was young and it made decisions for me. Like when I was 15 and learning to drive -- I only made right turns, because left meant leaving the safety of the neighborhood.
Things do change.
So, it seems even this season's name itself shares a connotation with some of my intrinsic traits. Fall. Be pulled by the rules of nature. Gravity the leader. Submitting to the whim of things inescapable. Between events. Between moments. Between people. Somewhere along the way I learned that left turns were inevitable. And while I'm usually sure to look in both directions first, here I zig zag. Thinking it's all 'interesting' and 'amazing,' raising my hands and laughing while I lose my stomach on the ride.
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